Dating in the year 2020 can be annoying as hell, but giving up on love isn’t an option either. That leaves many of us forced to figure out how to make the best of what we have. I was recently listening to Small Doses by Amanda Seales on Audible. First, let me say, add this book to your shelf! Amanda is the big sister you need in your life as a young black woman trying to find your way in the world, okay? Okay. Now back to what I was saying before.
Our good sis has a section titled, ‘Affection v. Attention’. She helps us analyze our whether our current relationship or ‘situationship’ is even worth it. She dives into whether we’re receiving attention or affection and how to recognize the difference. Because, there’s definitely a difference.
Paying attention is doing a transaction, showing affection is making a connection.
If you think about it, a lot of our day to day actions are routine. It’s why we as women can often misinterpret a man’s consistency for his actual affection. I mean let’s be honest, we’re all top tier when there’s a mutual interest. We text back in a timely fashion, we’re available for random face time calls, and if we’re really feeling him, that pull up game is strong. These acts, especially when done in reciprocation from a guy, breed expectation in us as women. I mean we’re getting attention from someone we like right? Technically yes! And, that’s cool! But, have you ever stopped to ask yourself if you are gaining meaningful content about one another lives and making a true connection with that person during those interactions? I’ll say it again for the people in the back, just because someone is paying you attention doesn’t mean you have their affection.
That’s the food for thought.
Affection is curated and direct. It’s taking time to show someone you actually care.
Affection requires you to be present physically, emotionally, and mentally. That is scary for a lot of people. It means you have to be wide open with someone and trust they won’t crush your heart into a million tiny little pieces. It’s easy to understand why many of our interactions with each other in the romantic sense stay very surface level. We love to know a person, but shy away from truly getting to know a person out of fear. It’s a weird paradox. But, if we could practice being more transparent with our intentions from the beginning, dating in 2020 might actually become manageable and save men from becoming known as f boys in our world.
You have to make a clear distinction between whether you are showing/receiving attention OR actually getting the affection of a person. Access your relationships. You know if you’re really trying to get to know a person and vice versa, whether they’re trying to get to know you. Affection is nuanced. It’s not just checking in to say you checked in, it’s checking in to catch up on what you missed since the last time you spoke cause you’re genuinely interested. It’s making a playlist you know they’ll appreciate because you payed attention during a conversation y’all had on music. It’s the details. Attention vs. affection is the difference between you settling for good when you could’ve had great. Go for great sis.
XOXO
Elayne MeShell